Edwin Linda

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The Unexpected Date

   Edwin woke up one morning. He was not happy with his job but he was excited to see Linda. After 5 years of being stuck in the friend zone he finally worked up the courage to ask her out. As he was going to work he stopped to get some gummy bears. After that as he was walking towards his car a girl told him that his gummy bears are really nice and then asked him out. Our friend Edwin was faced wih a dilenma here. He really wanted to ask Linda out but it seemed to be so easy to just say yes to this girl. The fact that this is the first time this happened to Edwin didn't help either. He knew what was the right thing to do but he couldn't fight the temptation to say yes to the girl unfortunately. She told him that her name is Anne and gave him her phone number and made plans to see each other that night.

   As Edwin got to work and saw Linda. He felt really bad but he knew he couldn't ask her out now. He had a live chat with some retard who wanted to purchase website.com and an Asian lady who couldn't speak proper English. He had one of those boring days at work when he was just thinking "what's the point to life anyway?".

   After work he texted Anne. She couldn't reply as she was watching the Emoji movie. This made Edwin feel insecure as he didn't know why she wasn't replying. He coudn't resist eating more gummy bears, going against his doctor's advice. Anne later texted him:

"We should meet at the bar."

Edwin replied: "I don't drink. My mum told me not to"

Anne said "No I mean at the giant chocolate bar statue. It's near the toilet seat shop I wanted to go to after our date"

"Why do you need a new toilet seat?"

"I used to be a lesbian. My latest girlfriend was a feminist. She sat on my toilet"

"Alright see you there"

   Edwin approached the chocolate bar statue. He saw Anne. She saw him, ran up to him and hugged him. They had a deep conversation about life and about toilets. He later helped her pick the perfect toilet seat. After that they read through some of the most ridiculous live chats Edwin has had and had a good laugh. They were the perfect couple. At 11pm they had to say goodbye as Anne had to go home to help her grandmother milk the cow but they made plans to meet again as both of them had a lot of fun.

  Edwin went home feeling really happy about the date. He didn't even feel the need to eat gummy bears at all. Then he saw he recieved a text message. It was from Linda. It said "I have liked you ever since we first met. Do you want to go on a date?".

To be continued

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The unexpected date part 2

     Edwin obviously has problems now (too many). He has been wanting to go on a date with Linda for five years now and finally she asks him out but he is seeing another girl. The feelings of confusion going through him are limitless and things like that. He decided to just go to sleep and do what feels right next day. We all know that's a bad idea since facts trump feelings but Edwin doesn't know the Uncle of the World.

     Next day he was still undecisive. He texted Linda saying "Let's talk about this at work". When he got his daily dose of gummy bears a pregnant guy walked up to him and said "Hello, my name is child of the One True King John Phill Mosógépguy. You don't know who I am but I've been watching. Listen Edwin, you're a really nice guy. You deserve better than Linda. She always tells me that if I don't have any questions about the services she will end the chat which is really offensive to male lesbians like me. Just go with Anne, she's the only one for you"

     Edwin simply said "OK" and walked off. He thought this was just another hallucination he had as he was on gummy bears. Little did he know that John Phill Mosógépguy was real. Besides, he still hadn't made a decision on what to say to Linda. He walked into his office. Linda hadn't arrived yet so he had some time to think. He thought he was just gonna go on a date with Linda and see what happens. When Linda walked in he just shouted across the room "I like you too Linda let's go out tonight". Linda did her little happy dance and then started working. Some weird kid wanted help with Chemistry homework. While Edwin was asked if website.com allows pornography on their websites.

    They went to the washing machine shop for their first date since both of them thought that would be romantic. Edwin tried making fun conversations but Linda just kept talking about work. Whenever Edwin tried changing the topic Linda said "if you have nothing to say about work I will end this chat". Edwin got quite bored.

    Suddenly the Great Door of the Washingmachine Shop got opened and Anne walked in and said "I don't like to use bad language, but what the HECK are you doing in here with that ugly old woman?!?!?!?1?!?!" Edwin said "Anne, you don't understand! This is not a date". Anne said "Oh please, you guys are in a washing machine shop. This is obviously a date!" Linda said "Wait, you're seeing another girl? That's it, I'm leaving the chat". She walked off. Anne then walked up to Edwin and revealed her true identity. She turned back into her original form, John Phill Mosógépguy and he said "It is I, o young Edwin, Anne doesn't know you tried cheating on her. I know you Edwin, more than anyone else. I pretended to be an Asian lady online. I'm the one who wanted to buy website.com and I know that Anne is the perfect girl for you." Then John Phill Mosógépguy disappeared.

 

   Edwin finally understood that Linda is boring af and that he needed to go out with Anne. They went on a lot more dates, ate a lot of gummy bears together. They got married and made a couple of babies. And they lived happily ever after. Until Anne died at the age 90. After that Edwin was a miserable lonely old man. Then he died too.

The end.

TitlTHe

Edwin's search for a job. 

 

Back in the day Edwin was only 5 years old. He was walking with his mum and eating an ice cream. 5 year old Linda walked by with her family and pushed the ice cream out of Edwin's hand. Edwin cried for 5 days straight, his mum went crazy because of that and ended up in a mental institution. Edwin then got a new ice cream from the crazy old guy in the neighborhood and calmed down. His mum was eventually released and everything went back to normal. Through the years they all forgot this little thing happened and it has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the story, I just thought I would mention it.

 

As Edwin grew up, he always wanted to become a breath odor evaluator. He was really passionate about smells and he thought he wanted to use his interest to save the world from bad smelling breath. At high school he studied bakery science because he thought he would open a bakery and sniff the breath of all his customers. He thought that would give him a lot of practice so he did it and smelled the breath of every single customer he ever had.

 

BREAKING NEWS: "New Bakery owner, 'Edwin Charles Feemnust' smells the breath of every woman and minority who walks into his bakery. This racist, sexist bottomhead is sending us his homophobic message that every woman and minority has bad breath and therefore his store must be banned. Here's a direct quote from Edwin: 'Today's worst smelling person was a black woman' (quote from 28th July, 2017). If that is not racist, I don't know what is. We believe Edwin is secretly working for Trump to give him a reason to kick all minorities and women out of this country. So we ask everyone watching this to destroy the bakery and make sure Edwin's bigoted plans don't work out."

 

As you would expect, Edwin was just peacefully eating his gummy bears in his store after he opened when a bunch of angry sjw's came and destroyed the bakery. That day was seen and victorious and Edwin's evil racist plans were destroyed. Edwin definitely got to experience the worst smelling breaths of his life on that day but he was still sad since his store was destroyed and his plans were ruined. He had no idea what to do next. He tried smelling the breaths of random people on the street but they all found it creepy and Edwin was scared that the mainstream media would see him as a rapist for doing this. When he had no hope, John Phill Mosogepguy ascended from Mosogepland and said "Oh young Edwin, thy plans of saving the world are amazing. However, they need to be taken more seriously than this. Thou hast smelled enough breath in thy life and therefore thou hast enough experience to start working on the evaluation. It's time to create a... W E B S I T E! And just so y'know you ain't actlly a racist lol. Tose jsws are a bunch of retards. Leave them."

 

The Mosogepguy then left Edwin. Edwin thought to himself  "I have no idea who this guy was, but he was the most pregnant lesbian I have ever seen so I should probably trust him." He saw that website.com is the only website making thing on the internet so he started making a breath odor evaluation website. The only problem was that Edwin had no technical skills so he went to the live chat to see if they can help him. Here's how the chat went:

 

Linda: "Hi Edwin, how can I help you? This is my first day on the job and I have already been pranked 57 times today so if your one of those people then please leave.

Edwin: "Hi Linda, how are you?

Linda: "If you have no questions about our services I will end this chat"

Edwin: "Oh sorry, I just want to make a website for my new breath smelling business. I have no clue how to make a website so I need help.

Linda: "Oh, are you a breath odor evaluator? I probably need your help. You should visit me at work tomorrow and give me your service"

Edwin: "Sure, I can do that. Since you will be my first customer it will only cost $20."

Linda: "That was not a question about our services. Do you want me to end this chat?"

Edwin: "Oops, sorry again. What is the first step in creating a website?"

 

At this point Edwin and Linda talked about making websites for hours. Edwin ended up having so much knowledge that he could become a live support person for website.com if he wanted to. They planned out how Edwin will sniff Linda's breath the next day. When it happened, it was the most beautiful smell Edwin ever got to experience and he fell in love with Linda. Linda needed help with the live chats as she was the only person working there so Edwin helped out. Edwin and Linda grew really close and went on a date immediately after work. Edwin left his dream of smelling breaths and started working for website.com just to be able to work with Linda every day for the rest of his life.

The end

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